Post-Sexuality...?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dan-heching/are-we-post-sexuality-yet-my-date-with-a-straight-guy_b_1648323.html

In an article on the Huffington Post (linked above), sexuality gets a little reversed. A gay male by the name of Dan Heching works in an gay organization. While working there, he becomes attracted to another co-worker of his and develops quite the crush. They exchange work related emails for a while until Heching finally works up the nerve to ask him out in one of the work emails. The co-worker agrees to go out but plans fall through a couple times and Heching says he moved on from this idea until the co-worker contacts him to go on what Heching thought was clearly defined and communicated as a date. They go out to a nice restaurant, have some wine and talk; partway into the dinner, Heching’s “date” states that he is straight as if he finally understood what Heching’s idea of this dinner was. Heching internally debates on whether to stay or just get up and walk out; he decides on staying to tough out the now awkward situation. He walks his co-worker to his car, kisses him on the cheek as if they were still on this date and through his bitterness, he cuts off any personal contact for the remainder of the time he worked at the organization. He later discovers an article on a dating site where his ex-crush is being interviewed and had the view that he was the one being mislead and went on this “date” on the pretenses that it was for networking purposes. 

(Watch from 22:00-24:00)

In this episode of Catfish, Keyonnah is tricked by "Dee", who is impersonating as Bow Wow. Keyonnah has been in relationship with "fake Bow Wow" and in this scene, she meets the impersonator... who ends up actually being a girl. Talk about Catfish curveball! Dee (fake Bow Wow) explains how she regularly convinces girls that she is a guy and sometimes the ladies will actually still be interested in Dee after finding out Dee in fact is a girl. In this situation, however, Keyonnah feels extremely betrayed and violated. Does sexuality matter? Does it trump "personal connection"? Keyonnah would argue "yes", but the Skylar article would argue in opposition. In the Skylar article, a young F.T.M named Layne was insistent on furthering action to complete his transformation into being a boy as he went off to college. His mother relented and allowed the testosterone injections, so he went into his freshman orientation presented as a guy. There, "he met Mimi, and felt an instant connection; they started dating and, as sophomores, were still together" (Talbot, 59). Layne's parents, Melissa and Chip, explain, "Young people today engage in really different kinds of relationships that I couldn't have even imagined when I was sixteen... They don't immediately close off physical possibilities if something works for them emotionally" (Talbot, 59). We don't know what Mimi's sexual and gender orientation is/was, but this example argued that sexuality doesn't matter and doesn't trump "personal connection." Has our society come to this point of needing labels explicitly placed on us, or does sexuality even matter when it comes to relationships?

In our main text, "Are We Post-Sexuality Yet? My Date With a Straight Guy", the author Dan Heching becomes an unfortunate product of sexual orientational miscommunication, and is obviously hurt by it. Like Keyonnah, who was convinced she was in romantic relationship with a guy, Dan was also convinced that he was in a romantic relationship with a gay guy. They were both unpleasantly surprised, resulting in heartache and internal confusion. As a result of Dan's circumstance, he argues that he is "all for blurring the lines and allowing sexuality to be nebulous... (but) boundaries will forever remain, to an extent, because there is still that uncomfortable part of the whole sexuality thing, the sex part, which a lot of outspoken voices in the LGBT arena keep mentioning is important not to brush under the rug. This is a necessary point, because if we continue to allow the nuts-and-bolts part of sexuality to be casually overlooked, bullshit like the above story may continue to happen" (Heching, 10). Basically, Heching has an understanding of the blurred lines of sexuality, but becomes upset when he himself is is hit with the reality that his former date is actually straight. He argues that in essence, everyone needs to show their "gay, bi, or straight" nametag, or else people (like him) will get emotionally hurt. 

This whole idea of sexual ambiguity and sweeping sexual identities under the rug really is what these stories are arguing for, while the idea of “post sexuality” for Heching is ok with him; his personal situation with his co-worker has him conflicted with this idea because of his sexual identity being gay. The same could be said for Dee and Keyonnah, while this situation differs in the sense that Dee intentionally misleads Keyonnah. Dee feels that even though she targets straight females with her Catfish identity, sexuality can be swept under the rug and they can move past the physical aspects of the relationship because of the emotional connection she obtains with Keyonnah. Now the problem in both these situations is both ethical and moral. Was it moral for Heching’s co-worker to not “come out” as straight in a predominately gay work environment? Heching’s situation does not have too much confliction morally, because I feel it was a complicated situation of miscommunication. Heching says “Hell, he may have even made "playing gay" into a specialty of his in the workplace in order to fit in or make things less complicated.” (Heching 1), and by saying this he feels that it was immoral for his co-worker to not identify him self as straight. This would have saved him a lot of time, energy and emotional attachment even though it was at a minimal level. The morality of this situation cannot be defined one way or another.  Also was it moral for Dee to trick Keyonnah into loving her catfish identity in the hopes of dating her? This was not the most moral (this is more ethical) action but Dee may feel that she can’t obtain this fantasy of hers in another way. She does have good intentions with her emotions towards Keyonnah, so in a way she is morally correct in the emotional aspect. The only problem that stands in the way of both of these situations is all the people involved have conflictions with their sexual identities. So the idea of sexuality being swept under the rug for the sake of emotional attachment does not always work in the real world.

The classic morals of the dating scene are very much blurred with in these two stories. The ethics of these situations are a tad bit clearer; the perusing person does not go about obtaining their end game goal very well. Heching disregards typical office ethics by asking his co-worker out on a date through work related email. Dee personifies a false identity to obtain her fantasy of sleeping with straight women and ends up becoming emotionally attached to Keyonnah.  They both let their desires overpower what may be seen as ethical and unethical. Heching could be ethical but as we have never been in a gay workplace, we do not know if this is an ethical approach to dating or workplace etiquette. Dee clearly violates ethics in both the dating world  and in just plain relations ships of any kind by lying.

In essence, ambiguity in sexuality and gender wouldn't matter or deter two people from being in a relationship, but that's just an "on-paper" theory. In reality, there are many implications and emotional pains that come into play when each person holds a specific orientation and there is a discrepancy between the two. How could sexuality be swept under the rug when it affects relationships? I, personally, am not able to be swayed between my sexual and gender orientation, so it would be important for me to understand who I'm interested in. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, and whether Dan's crush would have said, "I am straight" or "I don't like you that way", it absolutely boils down to emotional and sexual compatibility, or at least the possibility of it.  There's no "skirting around" sexuality and gender identity, in most cases, and the lack of this communication results in heartache and confusion, possibly in one's own gender and sexual identity. Heching is asking this same question if his story means we are starting to become "post sexuality" and Dee seems to feel this way already. In the real world, not everyone will fall into the place on the sexual identity/gender identity spectrum of emotional attachment trumping all other factors of romantic relationships.

By: Aaron Bolton and Elyssa Buhl